Dear Oxford English Dictionary

I, for no identifiable reason, hold the English language in extraordinary regard. I don't believe in much, but I do believe in the sanctity of the English language. By this, I don't mean to imply that I am the kind of person who is offended by multilingualism in America. I, unlike others, do not throw a fit over declining American values whenever I see a "wet floor" sign that also reads "piso mojado." I am sure that if I was fluent in another language, I would hold it the same high regard that I hold English. But, I digress. What I mean is that I want to protect the language from being diluted and ruined by the unwashed plebs. I understand that language naturally evolves, but sometimes a line must be drawn.

My specific concern lies with the word "irony," and all of its different forms. I have come to the conclusion that everybody—literally everybody, including myself—uses the word incorrectly. Regardless of its original meaning, the word has been used to denote so many similar yet distinct abstract concepts that it has become vague, imprecise, and borderline meaningless.

Instead of trying to restore the word to its original meaning, a fruitless endeavor indeed, I suggest that the word be abolished and replaced with other, new words that each refer to a specific concept that the word irony has now come to describe. For example: The fact that Frank Beard is the only member of ZZ Top without a beard. Is this irony? It is certainly something, and I think we should have a word that describes it. What if the fire department catches on fire? What about the “irony” that hipsters and deconstructionists use to describe their annoying tastes and lifestyles? All these and more deserve to be more accurately denoted with specific words. Without such we are missing out on a richer language.

With greatest sincerity,
Nicko