Dear Lady Gaga

Are you for real? Is this whole image you created genuine, or is it self-parody of the whole pop diva image? I’m honestly not sure if you’re actually an over-the-top nutcase or if you’re just some pretentious hipster who is, as the British say, taking the piss out of pop music.

If it is genuine, I feel obligated to politely ask you to bugger off and get hit by a truck. You are terrible at what you do and are a detriment to the already endangered gene pool.

If it is parody, which I believe is more likely because what little remaining faith I have in humanity doesn’t allow for a world in which people as crazy as you are can be successful, I think it’s time that you come out with it. I sort of admire the brazen way in which you deliberately write atrocious songs because you know that’s what sells big, but it doesn’t change that you’re still filling the airwaves with atrocious songs. Just because you’re being “ironic” doesn’t excuse you from setting the progression of music back fifteen years with your abominable sonic sewage. You’ve made your gobs money at the expense of the masses of tasteless plebs who have been ruining mainstream music for the last twenty years and the postmodernists and hipsters who think doing this is really cool; now it’s played out and you have to stop. I shudder to think of the imitators you might inspire. Imagine: a wave of money-driven, egotistical, and talentless aural rapists pretending to be a different kind of money-driven, egotistical, and talentless aural rapists. Do you want to be responsible for that? Do you? I don’t know, like I said I can’t tell with you. I sure as hell hope not.

I’ll poke your face,
Nicko