Dear Fans of Nirvana

Clearly, I'm missing something here, because I cannot fathom why you people make such a big deal about this band. I have failed to find a single redeeming quality in their work. It's dissonant, droning, whiny, and utterly devoid of any lyrical meaning. Nirvana is one of the worst things to ever happen to popular music; the grunge movement that they inspired was a musical dark age, and, frankly, I'm glad that Kurt Cobain blew his worthless brains out when he did, before he could do any more damage. Cobain was bad at his job. He was an atrocious lyricist, an unimpressive guitarist, and sang like a deranged homeless man. He was a talentless sad sack of shit who only became successful because he got lucky and happened to appeal to a disgruntled generation of stupid kids looking for a new genre of music that would piss off their parents, whom he eventually came to loathe.

In fact, I am of the opinion that Kurt Cobain killed himself because he couldn't do anything right. And I respect that. It's taking natural selection into your hands, deliberately strengthening the gene pool.

If you consider yourself musically inspired by Kurt Cobain, may I kindly ask that you go all the way and swallow a shotgun yourself.

This is not open for discussion,
Nicko

Dear Guys in my Dorm Who I Don't Know and Who Keep Saying "Hey" or "Sup" to Me When We Pass in the Hallway

Friggin' stop that! It freaks me the hell out. You don't know me, I don't know you, I don't want to know you, don't talk to me for no good reason. It may just be because of my impersonal northerner sensibilities, but I find this whole "spontaneous politeness" thing really off-putting. I don't need your empty, insincere, autonomic inquiry into my well-being, and you clearly don't actually care how I'm doing. Do us all a favor and don't waste the oxygen necessary to speak; we're running out of that stuff in here. Since you brain surgeons started filling the hallway trash cans with rotten eggs to mask the marijuana smell, I can barely breathy in this place.

I'm not your bro,
Nicko

Dear People on Facebook Petitioning for a "Dislike Button"

I want you to be aware that what you're asking for is a “passive aggressive button.” I understand that the feature is supposed to be used for posts such as “I’m sick,” “My cat died,” “I’m failing out of school,” “I just woke up with a stranger’s blood on my hands,” or any other whiny post that ends in “FML.” That’s not how I’m going to use it though. I’m going to use it to semi-unintentionally destroy friendships.

Here is a list of the sort of posts that I will be disliking: Posts that make mention of bands I don’t like; Posts that contain Bible quotes; Insipid quiz results; Posts that use unnecessary ellipses in place of commas; posts in which the writer holds down the last key for random words, presumably for emphasis; Vague posts which express excitement or despair but don't give any information, through which boring people try to initiate conversation; Posts from people with whom I want to start shit; And any other posts from people who I secretly hate but was too polite to deny their friend request.

You have been warned,
Nicko

Dear Women

Are you actually attracted to guys with scars? I’ve heard that a lot, but only from other guys. I would like some confirmation in this regard before I try this out for myself, since there’s a lot at risk. I would need to pull my pants up to my knee and expose my hairy chicken legs so I could show a girl the scar I got from a pool chair.

If so, I suppose I could show you,
Nicko

Dear Pop Secret

You guys seriously need to calm down and get over yourselves. Your product is not as much of a safety hazard as you’re making it out to be. Each bag of popcorn is infested with warnings about scalding oil and horribly scarring burns. I know we live in an age of ubiquitous frivolous lawsuits, but show some restraint and dignity. The words “Handle carefully: very hot oil and bag!” are printed on the bag six times. Once would have been plenty. Once would have told me all I need to know: that I might burn myself a bit if I shove my entire forearm into the bag immediately after taking it out of the microwave. Six times makes it sound like I’m handling volatile radioactive materials (which I guess is okay, since it makes me feel important and dangerous).

I find some of the other warnings printed on your bags to be offensively paranoid. “Carefully remove bag from microwave, keeping children away.” What is this mess? I say, if some impatient punk-ass kid is retarded enough to burn himself with a bag of popcorn, screw him. He deserved it. Let him burn. “Open away from face”? Or what, it will melt off? It’s not the freaking Ark of the Covenant, it’s a bag of popcorn!

Instead, I suggest you print on your bags some actually pertinent warnings, such as “We recommend chewing more than you feel is necessary to avoid lodging jagged shards of corn shrapnel in you esophagus” or “This product is actually not very good, and may become even less desirable upon continued consumption.” That would have saved me a lot of trouble.

Impotently enraged,
Nicko

Dear Girls who Claim that You’ve Dyed Your Hair so Many Times that You Cannot Remember Your Natural Hair Color

You are liars. You’re lying to me, and you’re lying to yourselves. How can you possibly not remember? It was growing out of your head in that color for at least ten years. You would have seen it the mirror every day for over a decade. You’re trying to tell me that you have absolutely no recollection of that? Don’t you have any pictures from your childhood? Couldn’t you just ask your mom? Couldn’t you look at the color of your eyebrows? Couldn’t you—and just try to hear me out on this—try going six weeks without dying your hair for once and inspect the color of your roots instead of choosing to bask in your ignorance? Answer me, you liars.

I know why you do this. You want attention. You’re looking for a quirk, a way to distinguish yourself. What you don’t realize is that no one gives half a dead dog’s asshole how many times you’ve dyed your hair, and it’s painfully obvious that you’re trying too hard to be interesting. But, unfortunately for you, not knowing your natural hair color isn’t interesting. It’s idiotic and deplorable. Imagine that a guy told you that he had slept with so many women that he couldn't remember the name or face of his first. What you are saying is just as terrible.

Just stick with red,
Nicko

Dear Ronnie James Dio

First, let me just say that I am an enormous fan of your work. Yours is one of the greatest voices in heavy metal and your work with Rainbow, Black Sabbath, Dio, and Heaven and Hell are among the best and most influential performances in rock and roll which have been of monumental value to me during my formative years. I'd also like to thank you personally for popularizing the whole sign of the horns thing. That was a pretty big deal.

However, you are a hack lyricist. Nothing you have ever written makes the slightest bit of sense. Your lyrics sound really cool, but are basically word salads. Let me quote for you an excerpt from "Heaven and Hell," the song which you have been quoted calling your favorite and deepest work of your career:

"Well if it seems to be real, it's illusion
for every moment of truth, there's confusion in life
Love can be seen as the answer, but nobody bleeds for the dancer"

That is almost deep, but in the end is completely devoid of any meaning. I'm not saying that necessarily a bad thing. You do seem to know what you're good at, which is writing lyrics which at the very least sound cool, and I guess that's all you need in metal. I'm not asking you to change. All I'm saying is that you may have schizophasia and you might want to get that checked out.

Come and make me holy again,
Nicko

Dear United States Congress

What the hell, guys? Why did you jackasses put daylight savings time on the same night as Halloween? Could you have picked a worse weekend? People are going to have enough trouble knowing what freaking time it is without you lying about it, you liars. DST is a waste of money, a waste of energy, a waste of resources, and (I’m dreadfully sorry for the pun) a colossal waste of time.

Furthermore, the existence of daylight savings time and your ability to pass a law that changes what time it is proves what I've been saying for years: time is bogus. There is no time. It's not a thing. It’s a man-made concept used to describe the motion of objects. It can’t be manipulated and it can’t be traveled through. I don’t know if that has anything to do with your jobs, but it needs to be said.

I’ve got your stimulus package right here,
Nicko